Posted in shout out loud

Time for some realisation

My parents have been very strict with me. I often used to be hit for committing mistakes (i was an ill tempered kid and quite impulsive; often lost control on my actions). I had borne an anger towards them for treating me like that when all my friends used to be pampered by their parents. One of my aunts commented, on our first meeting, that girls are a burden on parents. This comment remained embedded in my mind. After a few months, I, coincidentally, overheard my father expressing his anger on my mother for not giving him a son. This aroused my anger even more. From then I built up a notion that my father doesn’t like me just because I am a girl. Though I loved him, there was this anger too. I had built a desperation of proving myself better than a son. Better than my male cousins and proving my entire family wrong that girls are a burden. I grew up into a rebellious kid. Had a lot of fights with dad. I never seemed to agree with at anything. I hated staying at home. That’s why I argued my way to Bangalore. I always thought, why me?? Why does everything tragic has to happen with me??
Today, I read the blog of one of my classmates from school. Her dad disowned her just because she was a girl. Never saw her face after the sixth year of her birth. That’s when I realised how wrong I was towards my dad. Even he could have disowned me. He could me thrown me in a garbage bin right after my birth. But no, he raised me. Fulfilled all my wishes; how much ever difficulty he faced yet he gave me the best of everything, branded clothes, shoes, gadgets; I am very fussy about food, that’s why I fall sick easily, though he scolded me, he didn’t neglect my treatment; got me educated from one of the best schools in my home town Siliguri. Now I am studying in one of the top colleges in not only Bangalore but also in India.
   I have now realised I am not only rebellious, but spoilt as well. Not only by my dad (mom is more strict,was always against spoiling me, but yet she is close to me) but also by my extended family……
I felt so guilty today. I called my mom and told her everything I felt. But couldn’t get the courage to talk to dad.

I am sorry Baba.

P.S. you have to agree that sometimes you were wrong as well

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Posted in shout out loud

Fighting life. Fighting for life

Today I watched a video.
Felt Empty And Directionless’  Deepika Padukone o…: https://youtu.be/TwIOrxWT7Z8
It’s a NDTV interview where India’s one of the top actresses, Ms. Deepika Padukone talks of her fight with depression. As I listened to what she was saying, I was constantly drifting back and forth thinking about the emotional swing I go through. She says fighting depression needs a lot of support from family, friends, counsellors, doctors. She also said there is a huge difference between being sad and being depressed. I am not sure at all whether I am sad or I am depressed. I can’t talk to my parents, because they will be too much worried about me, now that I am away from home and it’s not possible for them to come to me now and then. Friends???? I haven’t been quite lucky with friends. So here I am all by myself with just the college counsellor trying his best to help me out.
I was not like this. As far as I remember this all started when I started giving importance to some two-digit numbers printed on a sheet of paper validated by hell of stamps and signatures of various authorities. I was always cool with my studies. I never bothered to work hard. During my class 10th board exams when I scored a little low marks in science after working actually hard for it (for the first time) and faced hell lot of difficulties in getting admission to class 11, I was disheartened. Parents, relatives everyone started drilling into my brain that class 11-12 science is going to be very tough, if I don’t get a good percentage in class 12 I won’t get admission in a good college, I won’t get the subject of my choice to study, I won’t get a proper career, I will land up a mere housewife spending the rest of my life within the boundaries of the house and so on and so forth. Listening to these almost everyday, stressed me up. I started fearing. Whenever I didn’t understand something in class, I would get tensed. People around doing well in studies, stressed me more. Teachers in the new school repeatedly put me down. And i sank down and down. I worked really hard. Still no proper results. I would cry while studying. Panic. Later I would go blank in the exam hall. I leaky flunked in one or two subjects in school exams. Somehow I have my board exams. What happened? I scored worse than I had scored in class 10th. Even in English, on which I had confidence, I got a poor marks. Most of my friends did well. I was one of the few, with pore performance. Once upon a time, my parents, relatives, teachers had confidence I would come out with flying colours. Nothing happened. Lost all hopes.
Now I have no faith in positivity. That’s why even after getting admission in an esteemed college in Bangalore with my subject of choice, I am not fully happy. Even now I am scared. Even now I don’t get the result of my hard work. Lost all drop of confidence.

To top it all, I now feel I am isolated and ignored by everyone. I have no importance in anyone’s life. Nobody cares whether I exist or not. I don’t have actual friends. When I watch some youth based films or TV shows they always a group of best friends, they so understanding, one needn’t say anything, the other understand what he or she is feeling or thinking. Even around me I have seen friends like that. I also wanted friends like that. I believed, until I don’t give, I don’t get. I tried to be a good friend to people I thought to be my friends. But I feel I was never accepted. Whenever I tried sharing with them what I was going through, expecting a helping hand, I got nothing. Either, I would get no response or somebody would say things like “Don’t worry we are there for you” but won’t be there or somebody would give a more blatant answer like “I am not your mom”. It happened once, twice, thrice…. Now I think there’s something wrong with me. It’s my fault that I am all alone. I see my “friends” posting pictures having fun with friends. I can’t. I don’t have pictures like that. I, who loves going out and roaming around, hardly go out. Who will I go out? At home, mother used to always accompany even if I didn’t want get to. Now I have no one. People remember me whenever they think they can use me for something, later, whether I exist or not, no one cares. My parents care because I am there only child. But others have choice, so they just move on. Kicking me out, leaving me rejected.

I don’t even know whether whatever I am thinking is true, or it’s my over stressed up brain talking. Because I am of the notion we all are hypocrites some way or the other. And whenever I trust someone, it crumbles. And I trust people what too easily. Maybe some people just take advantage of that. I was asking myself the question “Why me?” That’s when the speaker or the celebrity who is being interviewed said, “You are not alone, we are all in this together”. Felt a bit better.
But I want to come out of this. I want to live my life, which I can’t with this burden on me.